Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Planet of the Apps.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?