@BlackCatBettie

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

You Might Also Like

@Xoolun

I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.

And all I did was sign up.

@simoncholland

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

@Raoul_Duke_71

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

@NewDadNotes

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

@secondofhername

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

@jrdnlk

Ways Ryan Gosling and I are similar: 1. Up to date on our vaccinations 2. I dunno, that’s probably it and I’m not sure about that first one.

@InternetHippo

[hell]
Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this

@Smooheed

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

@Ygrene

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom