You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
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If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me when my alarm goes off
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
“That’s what” – She
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.