So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
ME: ppl call dogs “doggo” now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it
THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.