@chinkydeliciae

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

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@JustMug

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@GrahamKritzer

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

@stevevsninjas

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

@GorillaNipples1

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

@maybetomhanks

god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go

@PinkBlotMom

Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they’re Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he’s got diabetes.

@drewtoothpaste

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

@Just_Lee_

It took 11 years but hubby can finally read me like a book.

A Greek book. Read upside down wearing a blindfold. It’s a vast improvement.