You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

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“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers


Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground


As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.


[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.


god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go


Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they’re Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he’s got diabetes.


me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time


It took 11 years but hubby can finally read me like a book.

A Greek book. Read upside down wearing a blindfold. It’s a vast improvement.