You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?


[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe


Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!


It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.


I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you


Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes


Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.


ME: ppl call dogs “doggo” now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it
THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else?
ME: no


Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too


Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.