You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.