You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.