I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”