Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Got ya covered
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?