@CthulhuCrusade

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

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@littleliterally

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

@graceful_asfuck

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

@LionJenkins

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.

@TheBoydP

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

@EricGoldie

If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.

@whinecheezits

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

@SirEvisiae

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

@mattytalks

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

@Thynebear

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.