Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon
4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.