You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

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Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.


Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here


If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.


After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever



If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.


The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.


Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*


I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy


Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.