@CthulhuCrusade

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

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@Shock_Monster

Him: Come check out my church!
Me:
Him: They play rock music!
Me:
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*

@not_thenanny

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

@ilovepie84

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

@Ilikerockme

I don’t have daddy issues.
I’m British.
I have *father* issues.

@STitusR

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

@Gupton68

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

@Phook75

My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now

@d_whitehouse

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

@radtoria

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.