You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

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Him: Come check out my church!
Him: They play rock music!
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*


I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”


Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.


I don’t have daddy issues.
I’m British.
I have *father* issues.


Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.


Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.


My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now


Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”


I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.