My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.