“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
🖤✌🏽
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?