iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.