You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
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There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
This makes total sense…
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds