You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Bringing home a sharpie
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
And that about sums it up.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.