You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
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Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
what day is it?
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.