If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.
All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.
Do you like vampires?