You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.


M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?


I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore


If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.


All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.



Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too


I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.