@DanKCharnley

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

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@JasonLastname

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

@doublewenis

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

@FredTaming

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

@jngraphs

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

@mommajessiec

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@2Saddington

Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them

@IamEnidColeslaw

today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING

@JimmerThatisAll

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

@atDevin

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.