If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
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*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them
today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.