You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
sry
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time