@DanKCharnley

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

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@philEfanaddict

The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.

@abuya_henry

I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.

@Cherry_Row

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

@daddysdigest

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

@matt___nelson

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

@7notyours

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

@AimeeHelene1

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

@ScottWesterfeld

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.