“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My Sentiments Exactly
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.