“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

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Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.


12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?


[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.


“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.


[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck


If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.


Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.


my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again