@ZoeeSom

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

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@girlnarly

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

@PleaseBeGneiss

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

@JessiCanadian

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

@Try2StopME

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

@just_carbs

My voicemail isn’t your podcast debut opportunity, keep it short.

@DukEB51

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.