“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents


Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve


My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.


Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”


My voicemail isn’t your podcast debut opportunity, keep it short.


You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.