April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My voicemail isn’t your podcast debut opportunity, keep it short.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
all bases covered