Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.