If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.
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I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Society: Be yourself.
Society: No not like that
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive