You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.

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If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.


I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files


I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.


The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey


It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.


hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol


If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.


[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive