@kimwilliamz

You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.

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@ericonederful

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

@dougbies

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

@Rollinintheseat

It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.

@AudreyPorne

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

@DanielRCarrillo

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

@frogshack

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive