You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)