You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*