A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
This is me
Netflix: We have Less
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL