those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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[a loud action sequence gets suddenly quiet and all you can hear in the theatre is me talking to the guy next to me] sell me your popcorn
Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She’s my new favorite.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…