@LackOfShame

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

You Might Also Like

@OwlFWGKTA

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

@murrman5

[a loud action sequence gets suddenly quiet and all you can hear in the theatre is me talking to the guy next to me] sell me your popcorn

@JGrumbie

Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She’s my new favorite.

@Rohit_And_Run

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family

@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

@Shade510

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

@iwearaonesie

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

@naaman

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

@stephenjmolloy

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…