Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
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Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw