YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
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