You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
cyclists
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.