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@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

@ozzyunc

Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

@AbbyHasIssues

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@ankles_so_weak

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

@DaNaLa13

Food Network makes me feel like a perv:
Beat it
It’s not moist enough
My wrist is tired
Look how thick it’s getting
It’s all about flavor

@AmishPornStar1

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.