My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant