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@mommy_cusses

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

@amydillon

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

@TheTalkingPipe

This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

@Home_Halfway

I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

@ArfMeasures

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@pstamato

Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.

@Not_From_Troy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant