You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My plans: 2020:
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go