You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
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In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Born to be mild.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
The struggle is real.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts