Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
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me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…
I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it
Can you describe the man who did this
“he was a meanie head”
No describe his face, sir
“He had a stupid face”
An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered