You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

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Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.


[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]


I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…


I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it


Can you describe the man who did this
*me crying*
“he was a meanie head”
No describe his face, sir
*clenches fist*
“He had a stupid face”


An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.


Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?


If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?


Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered