You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
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When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
This is enough internet for the day.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar