@slaughthie

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

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@KKAlThani

Can’t believe Nintendo didn’t make a commercial for the Wii where a guy breaks up with a girl by saying “It’s not you, It’s Wii”.

@noodlegrip

Her: I like bad boys

Me: I break the law sometimes

Her: ooooh which one?

Me: *from ceiling* gravity

@DecantAndPour

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

@CantWaitToNap

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

@scottthetwat

My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.

@Nawyourecrazy

Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.

*selfies*

@pixelatedboat

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!