Can’t believe Nintendo didn’t make a commercial for the Wii where a guy breaks up with a girl by saying “It’s not you, It’s Wii”.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
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Her: I like bad boys
Me: I break the law sometimes
Her: ooooh which one?
Me: *from ceiling* gravity
I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.
Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!