You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
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I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I hope this email finds you in a well
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.