@free_mattress

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

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@Home_Halfway

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

@bourgeoisalien

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

@sameverlark_

Joe: Hey Barack, why does Trump wanna ban preshredded cheese
Barack: Joe please
Joe: TO MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN
Barack: I swear to God

@SortaBad

Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around

@SprtsHumor

Experts determine Super Bowl blackout was an electrical issue, also determine grass has a green issue.

@Jason_Horton

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

@ccase91

Linkin Park implies the existence of Linkin Neutral, Linkin Reverse, and Linkin Drive.

@shellyspivey

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”