@ellentee

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

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@thenatewolf

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else

@Go2Slp

Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.

– The Lyin’ King

@andylevy

“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States

@brianjdunne

[mockarena]

*everyone does the macarena but like really ironically*

@EmFarl

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

@jimmytorosian

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

@prufrockluvsong

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

@Jake_Vig

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.