You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required