You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I wish this was real life…
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A