You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
i actually laughed 😩
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.