You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I was bored.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!