@10InchesPlus

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

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@LeviathanPride

Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.

@jakob_huber

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

@IamEnidColeslaw

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

@2browneyedboys

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

@DaddyJew

Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.

@coryrichardson_

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water

@AndyAsAdjective

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

@markleggett

I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.