@10InchesPlus: You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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@TweetsByKaylee: [getting pulled over] me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer? cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive me: oh I’m sorry cop: I’ll let you off with a warning me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth* cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
@Cpin42: 12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.