Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
NO BUT REALLY