You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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3% human
97% stress
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Important reminders
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”