The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
the answer was staring at me all along
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.