You call it baggage, I call it origin story.

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I will not think of sex at church
I will not think of sex at church
I will not.

Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming

Me: Goddammit!


At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.


“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic


When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.


I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”


Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.


Telling someone w/ depression things like ‘Cheer up’,’Get over it’,’It’s a state of mind’, is like telling a blind person ‘Just look harder’


RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears

ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!

RANGER: What did I just say!?


Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”