Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.