@shatterpants

You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.

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@AndyAsAdjective

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

@daemonic3

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

@scott2ten

Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.

@Canadian_Cutie_

Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?

@suecorvette

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

@handsock_butts

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

@ibid78

“You know why I pulled you over?”
“Does anyone know why anyone’s pulled over?”
“Wow. You’re free to go.”
“Is anyone free?”
“Oh you’re good.”

@ch000ch

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

@jeffporper

Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating