You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
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will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.