You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
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[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.