Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
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Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.