@thedadvocate01

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

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@Parkerlawyer

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

@iwearaonesie

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

@Jimmy_Smacks

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

@fro_vo

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

@ItsSamG

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

@anthonyonmovies

Rian Johnson: good and bad are 2 sides of the same coin. the resistance and first order both obtain their weapons from the same people, and the only thing that separates the jedi from the sith is an outdated flawed code.

JJ Abrams: bad people have shark teeth lol

@SoulYodeler

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

@NolaChef504

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

@ReeseButCallMeV

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

@CherBear162

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?