You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss: