“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
And that about sums it up.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.