You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money