Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
You Might Also Like
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.