Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
You Might Also Like
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Never be a pizza!
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first