You: “Calm down!”

Me: *kills you, calmly

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Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t


PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–

It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid


I hate when someone steals my idea before I’ve had it.


My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!

Me: Because my bed is at home.


37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.


My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”


Wife: I’ll just have a salad.

Waiter: and for you, sir?

Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.


If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says “Uh, it’s Adam & Eve” you can be like “OH REALLY?” and have the boys attack!!


Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”