@wickedsuga

You: “Calm down!”

Me: *kills you, calmly

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@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@NicestHippo

PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–

It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid

@greg_vee

I hate when someone steals my idea before I’ve had it.

@TEXASVETERAN

My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!

Me: Because my bed is at home.

@ValeeGrrl

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

@PetrickSara

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: I’ll just have a salad.

Waiter: and for you, sir?

Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.

@robfee

If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says “Uh, it’s Adam & Eve” you can be like “OH REALLY?” and have the boys attack!!

@hidingfromme

Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”